The One Who Commands
by Alun
Summary: Sequel to The One Who Protects. Cullen has left the Templar Order and becomes the Commander of the Inquisition. Even though they can't be together, Amell follows. With the world in peril, the two of them try to find their places within it. The final chapter of Amell and Cullen's love story.
1. Chapter 1

Three years have passed. Three years where Amell and Cullen have tried to rebuild another broken circle. Neither of them wished to hold the mantles of First Enchanter or Knight Commander even if they were both acting the parts. The mages looked up to and followed Amell while the templars did the same with Cullen. Together they worked to rebuild Kirkwall.

It was exhausting work and neither of them had anyone to lean on. With Hawke and Alistair gone, she had lost her family. Being stuck at the Circle didn't help. She was no longer allowed to leave for what example would that set? Varric visited on occasion but as he told her the Gallows were creepy.

Cullen simply had no one he considered close enough to confide in. And since she was back as one of his charges, their relationship became strictly professional. And that worked as long as they didn't accidentally touch. As long as they kept their distance they could pretend. But the line between them had been crossed and couldn't always be ignored. And so when one of them accidentally brushed against the other, before they knew it the door was locked, papers were cleared off the desk and lips were mashed together. They would come together for a time and it would be bliss. Everything else disappeared.

Amell felt nothing but guilt after their couplings. She could see how he beat himself up, blaming his weakness and she hated the look he got when they dressed. Like she was a mistake. She knew they couldn't keep on as they were but she didn't have the willpower to stop. She still loved him.

They never talked about it. Never talked about their past. In three years she had gotten to know him better as a person at the expense of a relationship. She found she liked who he was as a person, respected him for his hard work and while they didn't always agree, both of them worked for the betterment of Kirkwall.

So when word came that the Circles were officially rebelling, Cullen came to her with his worries.

"The other circles are rebelling. What are you going to do?"

"We'll have a vote."

"Really? You'd leave this up to them?"

"It's not my decision. Not now."

He sighed. "It will be chaos if the mages try to leave."

"And I'll tell them that. I'll tell them that they'll lose their protection from the templars if they choose to disband. I need to know, will you let them leave peacefully?"

He studied her and took a deep breath. "Fighting will be a blood bath. I don't think the mages or the templars can afford further bloodshed." It wasn't actually an answer.

"The mages aren't the only ones rebelling. What about your templars?"

"They will perform their duty."

She nodded, expecting no less from him. "I'll let you know how they vote."

With that he left her office. Facing the mages as they argued over their fate was heartbreaking. When the arguing finally died down, they turned to her for her advice.

"Freedom is tempting. We've all struggled here. We've nearly lost everything. But we've also built something here. I'm afraid of what will happen if we change directions."

"What do you suggest?"

"I suggest patience. We need not make any rash decisions."

So they voted and the majority voted to wait. She breathed a huge sigh of relief.

With a bounce in her step, she walked to Cullen's office. There would be no war, not yet.

"I have good news," she said as she entered his office. He was frowning and reading something. "I'm sorry to interrupt."

"It's okay Amell, come in. You were saying?"

"The mages voted to stay for now."

"That is good news. I imagine it was you that convinced them."

"I was one voice among many."

He smiled at her softly. "You give yourself too little credit. It is you they follow."

Seeing him smile sent a jolt of wanting through her body. "Is something wrong? You looked upset."

"Just received word that the Divine is sending someone, a Seeker, to ascertain the truth about what happened."

"Now? After all this time?"

"I believe it's because of the mage rebellion. They are searching for a reason or a solution."

"This could be a good thing."

"I doubt it."

He reached out to touch her cheek, breaking their unspoken rule. "I worry for you."

"Why?"

"Maybe you should have left with Hawke. At least with her you'd be safe."

"They who'd have helped you restore order?" she asked with a small smirk.

He sighed. "You're safety is more important."

She was touched by his concern. It wasn't often he spoke of his feelings and she'd began to doubt how he felt for her. She walked around the desk that separated them and kissed his forehead.

"We shouldn't," he said but he didn't pull away.

She sank into his lap and trailed kisses down the side of his face until she reached his lips. She kissed the scar he had gotten during the battle with Meredith, the scar he had gotten protecting her. She lingered, inches from his face, waiting for him to make the next more.

"The door," he said sharply. "It's unlocked."

"Kiss me and I'll lock it."

"Go lock it and I will do more than just kiss you." His voice was low, like a growl.

She slowly stood and walked over to the door and locked it. Then she waited again. She would not make the first move. It had to be him. He got up, went to her and consumed her. His mouth was hot, wanting and his hands smoothed down her sides.

"We can't keep doing this," he murmured against her mouth.

"Just say the word and we stop."

His only response was to kiss her harder. He pressed against her, his armor coming between, a reminder of what was truly between them. He led them back to his chair. He sat down and she straddled him. Without further words, clothes were cast aside, enough where they could press together. When he entered her, he moaned her name. Not Amell, Solona. His name for her, the name he refused to call her except when he'd relinquish control.

When they finished, she put herself back together, not looking at him, not being able to bear his regret.

# # # # #

Cullen shuffled through the paperwork, nerves twisting in his gut. The seeker had arrived but instead of speaking to him, she'd taken over the dungeons and dragged Varric Tethras down into them. There was a lot Varric could spill about him, about Amell. He didn't have the trust in the dwarf that Amell had.

He didn't know what to expect when Seeker Pentaghast requested to speak with him. She was a gruff woman, no nonsense, something he could appreciate. She commanded the room.

"Knight Captain Cullen, I've seen the work you've done since Meredith's death and I'm impressed. The men follow you with no hesitation. You've kept the Circle from rebelling and your men work to clean up the mess of your predecessor."

"I have not done it alone."

"You are too modest. I've heard what the men have said about you. Even the mages speak highly of you."

"Enchanter Amell is just as responsible for ensuring peace with the mages."

"Yes, that's a name I've heard much of. She was a transfer from Ferelden. I've heard of the good work she did there as well. She's loyal which bodes well for her. But I came to speak with you about another matter."

"What's that, Seeker?"

"The Divine is issuing a decree, the formation of the Inquisition to combat the issues of this mage and templar war."

"I see." He didn't though. What did this have to do with him?

"We are need of good men and women to join us. We would like to offer you a position."

"What kind of position?"

"You would have to leave the Order and commit yourself fully to the Inquisition."

He wasn't opposed to that.

"We would make you Commander of the Inquisitions forces."

"Commander?"

"We aren't much yet. The Divine is holding out hope that the conclave she is holding will produce the peace she seeks. However plans are in place should it fail."

"Why me?"

"You've proved yourself. We need men like you."

"What about the templars? The mages?" He thought of Amell.

"They are welcome to join us. We need an army too."

Mages in an army? The thought terrified him.

"I'll need to think about it."

"Of course. Though we'll be heading out soon to be able to make the conclave."

"Thank you for the consideration."

"I mean it when I say you'll make a fine commander."

After she left he sat down to think. Turning his back on the Order, starting fresh appealed to him. Dedicating himself to a just cause, feeling like he was doing something good again. Having something to believe in. His gut told him to take the position.

Getting away from Amell, from the guilt of what he was putting her through. He couldn't give her what she deserved and instead of letting her move on, he kept giving in to temptation. He didn't know how he felt about leaving her. He still loved her, always would. The past three years he had gotten to know the woman she really was and it was everything he could want but she was forever out of his reach. All they would ever have is stolen moments in the dark. It wasn't fair to either of them. A new start. Maker knew he needed it.


	2. Chapter 2

The Seeker scared Amell. She tried not to show it but truth was she was terrified. This one woman could destroy her and would if she learned the truth. True to his nature as her friend, Varric had kept her and Cullen's involvement with Hawke quiet and the Seeker wasn't there to arrest her.

"The Divine remembers the mission she sent you on."

"And I failed."

"On the contrary, you've done remarkable work rebuilding."

"I didn't do it alone."

"But you did do it. Your loyalty to the Circle and the Chantry has not been forgotten. The Divine has a new task for you, if you're willing. She is holding a conclave, I don't know if you've heard."

"Yes. For peace talks."

"She believes your experience and leadership could prove a powerful example."

"What about the mages here."

The Seeker looked impressed. "You really do care about them."

"Of course I do."

"They are welcome to join with us."

Amell furrowed her brow. "I'll have to see what they say."

"You leave the decisions to the whole?"

"It's not my place to speak for them. I'm not the First Enchanter."

"You are in all but name."

"Titles are important and I have no wish for a title."

"I expected you to be far more ambitious."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"On the contrary, I'm not. However I implore you to consider attending the Conclave."

"I will think on it. Thank you."

Someone knocked on her door and the Seeker opened it. Cullen stood in the doorway.

"If this is a bad time…"

"I was just leaving. Commander," she said as she left them alone.

Cullen shut the door as soon as the Seeker was out of sight.

"Commander?" Amell asked.

"That's what I came here to talk to you about."

"Good I needed to talk to you too. Go ahead."

"I'm leaving the Order and joining this Inquisition as commander of the army."

"So the Chantry loses the templars so they create a new army."

"You don't have to sound so disparaging."

"My apologies. Congratulations."

"That's it?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I'm leaving Kirkwall."

"And me."

"Not necessarily. She said the mages could join the army. You could join."

"So you'd be commanding me?" She had a smirk on her face.

He chuckled. "Would you mind?"

"Maybe. However I was just asked to attend the conclave."

He brightened. "See? I wouldn't be leaving you."

"But this would stop. It'd have to. We couldn't take the chance."

"I know."

"It's what you want."

"It's what's right."

She sighed. "There is a complication." He looked up from studying his hands. "I'm pregnant."

He stopped breathing and looked like he was going to faint. "Are you sure?"

She nodded.

"Then you can't go. You need to run, to find Hawke."

"I can't just run away."

"You know what they'll do if they find out."

"I was thinking of going to the Conclave, trying to restore peace and then leaving before they find out."

"It's too dangerous."

"And it's my life, not yours."

"I get no say?"

"Don't worry. No one will know it's yours. There is no way it'll come back on you."

"I'm not worried for me."

"I need to do what's best for me. And running away isn't what I'm good at. If I can do some good, I have to at least try."

He went around the desk to hold her. "I'll do what I can to protect you."

"No Cullen, you can't. It's over between us."

"You can't tell me you're pregnant and then end things."

"Things were already over."

"I don't accept that."

"What are you going to do? Admit you've been having relations with a mage and now she's pregnant? Think of what they'll do to you. You have a chance at a fresh start. Take it."

"I feel responsible."

"You'll protect me best by staying away. You know that's the truth."

"It'd be easier if you ran."

"What so they could come after me? I'm safer with the mages, with a group. Perhaps if I'm of service, the Divine will let me go."

"That's not going to happen."

"I'll figure something out. You deserved to know. But I don't want anything from you." He looked hurt and she hated seeing him hurt. She lightly kissed his lips. "Goodbye Cullen."

# # # # #

They weren't speaking. Turned out quite a few of the templars turned from the Order to follow him and all the mages followed her. She walked with them, avoiding him. Her news still rang in his ears. Pregnant. With his child. He should have taken her and escaped. He had no doubt she would have fled with him. But he wasn't a man to run from his commitments. And apparently neither was she. She had wanted him to start over. She wanted him to be happy at her expense. But what did he want? Truly?

So he found himself walking next to Varric, Cassandra's prisoner. A fact that he knew made Amell livid. Her new plan was to make sure Varric stayed safe and escaped with her. That was the last time she had spoken to him. He wasn't used to her being so cold and distant. The least she could do was converse with him about their charges. Instead she sent messengers.

"What's wrong, Curly?" Varric eyed him. "You make it rather obvious the way you keep looking at her."

"I'm not."

"You look like a kicked mabari. You spend too much time with that serious look on your face. It's bad for your health."

"Really? That a fact?"

"Could be worse. Could be in chains like me."

"You aren't in chains."

"Figurative chains. Look on the bright side, she followed you again. At least she's close." They kept their voices low so no one could overhear.

"It's worse. Now all I do is worry for her."

"She's not the kind of girl that's out of sight, out of mind. If she wasn't here you'd be worse off, trust me."

"And what do you know about it?"

"I know that girl loves you like crazy. Literal crazy I think. Most would have bailed long ago."

"Well she wants nothing to do with me."

"Are you kidding me Curly? All she wants is for you to be happy. She believes it's without her. Personally I'm not sure you know how to be happy."

"And what grand advice did you give her?"

"I told her to run. To get as far away from you as she could. I like you Curly. But when it comes to that woman you are a mess."

He sighed and rubbed his neck. "I told her to run too."

"Yeah, I'm sure that made her feel great."

"I can't win."

"It's not about winning. It's about doing the right thing."

"Which is?"

"Hell if I know. I'm just a storyteller. And your story? That's a fucking tragedy."

They arrived at Haven. "We'll march on the Conclave in the morning. Everyone get your rest."

He looked at Amell who was busy getting her people settled in.

"Want my advice?"

"What's that?"

"Let her go. Find someone else. She won't move on until you do."

He didn't say what he thought which was he didn't know if he could move on. If there was someone else out there that made him feel as she did. He went looking for something to do, there was always something. A loud explosion threw him off his feet. When he regained his footing he looked up and saw a giant green hole in the sky. His first though was Amell but he pushed it away. He had a duty.


	3. Chapter 3

Demons. Demons pouring from the fucking sky. Rips in the veil. And not a damn thing she could do because mages with a thin veil equaled abominations. It was her duty to make sure the mages stayed sane. It didn't help that Cullen was out there fighting, possibly dying. So when Seeker Pentaghast asked her to check in on the prisoner she leapt to it. Something to distract her.

She wasn't the only on tasked with looking out for this strange woman spit out of a rift, her hand glowing green, pulsing as the rift in the sky grew. A tall, bald elven man watched the prisoner closely.

"How is she?" she asked, startling him.

"Dying."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No."

"Is there anything you need?"

"Are you a servant?" His voice was a bit hostile.

"No, but I want to be useful."

"They've trained you well."

"You know nothing about me."

"I know where you lead the mages follow and I know you led them here. That's all I need to know."

She decided to ignore the grumpy elf and went to check on the prisoner. The mark on her hand pulsed, sending a shock wave through the woman. Both Amell and the elven mage jumped up to help her. Upon accidentally touching Amell, the mage looked surprised.

"You are with child." When she didn't respond he grabbed her arm. "What a monumentally stupid thing."

She felt as if he'd slapped her with that comment. "It was an accident."

"Not the child, you! How can you stay when you know what they'll do when they find out?"

"I'm hoping to be long gone before then."

"Then why are you still here?"

Why? The Conclave was destroyed, there was chaos but she couldn't make herself use it to her advantage. She told herself she stayed because of Varric. She couldn't leave without him. She stayed because she was still needed. The mages needed her. But the truth was she stayed because leaving him was too painful.

When she didn't respond the other mage nodded. "I am Solas."

"Amell."

"Forgive my earlier rudeness. It has been difficult for an apostate like me who has been put into a precarious position. They demand I explain what happened and what is happening. However when I don't tell them what they want to hear, I fear what they'll do."

"Well they'll have to go through me."

He looked surprised. "You would defend me? Why? You hardly know me and I've been rude to you."

She snorted. "That hardly matters. I won't stand by and see someone who is clearly trying to help be persecuted for it."

"Here I thought you were a loyalist."

"I don't know what I am. I fight for mage rights but I also believe in training and protection. I wish the world was more accepting of mages and I wish mages were stronger when it came to the temptations of demons and the fade. I fight to make this world a little bit safer for mages."

"You are far too idealistic for this world."

She laughed. "Like I said, you don't know me."

"You're right. My earlier assessment may have been too rash."

"I forgive you." They stood in silence, watching the strange woman. "So you don't have the answers?"

"No. But I have theories."

"I wonder who does have the answer."

"Maybe we'll know more when she wakes, if she wakes."

"She's not a mage."

"No."

"Do you think she was responsible for what happened?"

"No, do you?"

"I don't know. I've stopped trying to guess at what other people are capable of. I always seem to get it wrong." She thought of Anders and the colossal mistakes she had made trusting him. "Was there anything you needed Solas? Food? Water?"

"Someone to talk to it seems."

"You and me both."

The shared moment was broken as soon as the prisoner opened her eyes.

# # # # #

It had been days since the prisoner, now the Herald, had tried to close the rift and failed. Since then Cullen's time was spent between war council meetings and training recruits. Amell still ignored him but he had noted the relief on her face when he returned from the temple. At least she still cared. The time she wasn't with the mages, she spent with Varric or the apostate Solas.

He had been trying to think of a reason to talk to her when the Herald approached him. She was the curious sort, always asking him questions, wanting to get to know him better. He felt relaxed around the Herald and thankful for her friendliness. They walked and he went on and on about their plans for the troops and everything that needed to happen when he realized he was probably boring her.

"You didn't come here for a lecture."

"No but if you have one prepared…" Her words were innocent enough but the look she gave him, it went beyond teasing to something else. Something that made him immediately uncomfortable.

"Maybe some other time," he mumbled. A messenger broke the awkward tension much to his relief.

Sometime later the Herald came back to discuss his training as a templar. Then she asked him about his vows. This made him uncomfortable thinking about all the times he had broken his vows.

"Are you expected to refrain from physical temptations?"

He immediately reddened. "Why would you… no. It is not expected. Though some do."

"Have you?"

Maker's breath what was it with this woman? "No, I have not. Could we talk about something else?"

Blessedly she changed the subject. After she left he finally figured out a reason to talk to Amell. He left his second in command in charge and went to find her. He found her sitting in front of a fire with Varric, laughing. She immediately sobered up upon seeing him.

"Commander," she said, her voice even.

"Enchanter Amell, a word?"

She looked at Varric who shrugged. "Very well." She moved to stand near him. He swore he could smell jasmine.

"I am concerned. If they are to fight side by side, there needs to be more integration between the mages and the rest of the army."

"I don't think that's wise."

"Why not?"

"There's too much distrust and fear."

"It would help if their leader didn't scurry away like a frightened mouse every time I am near."

"I do not. Besides the distrust and fear goes both ways."

"If we were seen working together, mage and former templar, it would send an example. Just like Kirkwall."

"This isn't Kirkwall. Things have changed. You are far too busy to deal with one mage."

"You aren't just any mage."

"Here I am. Please Commander, I don't wish to take up anymore of your time."

Amell had never been this dismissive. "Solona."

"Don't call me that," she said sharply.

"I'm not trying to upset you."

"Maybe I should leave. Just disappear."

"It's not like you to run."

"Maybe you don't know me that well."

"I know you, much better than you give me credit. I also know what you're trying to do. And it's driving me crazy."

"Stop thinking about me. Stop watching me. Just stop—"

"Loving you?" he asked in a whisper.

Her eyes got wide. "We both need to move on. That means we need space. Please respect that."

"And what about the mages?"

"You're right. Integration is ideal, but I don't have a solution for you."

"Think on it."

She nodded. "Is that all Commander?"

_No._ "Yes. Thank you."

With that she walked away from him. He cursed himself for not being able to say what he really wanted. She had erected a barrier around herself and was right, he needed to respect that. But a part of him wanted to rip down her barrier and claim her, claim them both. To the void with the consequences.

Looking skyward he realized his folly. There were far bigger things to worry about than his feelings. So he stuffed them down and walked purposely back to his troops where he belonged.


	4. Chapter 4

"Your kind killed the Most Holy," a templar barked out.

"Your kind let her die," the mage spat back.

The templar drew his sword. Cullen jumped in before she could which was for the best. She'd probably just get a sword through her for her troubles.

"Knight Captain."

"That's not my title any longer. And we are no longer templars."

Chancellor Roderick approached and so did the Herald. Amell watched them all trade barbs. Not for the first time the Herald impressed her. So did Cullen. Watching him handle the conflict was causing butterflies in her stomach. She enjoyed watching especially when he didn't notice. The fact that seeing him in his element made her want to tear his clothes off and ravish him caused heat to rise to her face. Pregnancy hormones. That's all. Any attractive man taking control would have this effect on her. But that was a lie. No one affected her like he did.

Cullen and Roderick were still staring at each other when the Herald approached her. "You are Amell?" she asked nervously.

"Yes, Herald. What can I do for you?"

"Please it's Evelyn. Umm I wanted to ask you a few things. Can we talk?"

Amell looked over at Cullen who was staring at the two woman, an unreadable expression on his face. He almost looked alarmed.

"Of course. Maybe somewhere more private."

Once they were relatively alone, the Herald spoke. "How are the mages?"

"Good. No one has succumbed to the temptation of demons."

"A fact I'm told is your doing."

"Hardly. Each mage here is responsible for their own success."

"I admit magic intimidates me. I grew up believing, well believing that magic was dangerous."

"It is dangerous. But it's controllable, with training and dedication."

"You remained loyal even when the other Circles rebelled. Even after everything that happened in Kirkwall. Why?"

"I saw firsthand the madness of Kirkwall as well as the madness in Ferelden. I saw the evils of magic and of templars. It showed me there needs to be a compromise. And so that's what I helped rebuild in Kirkwall."

"With the Commander?"

"Yes. He is a good man. Fair and level headed. Someone who incites greatness in those around him."

"You know him well?"

How to answer that question? "Reasonably."

Evelyn nodded. "He seems so sad."

"He's been through a lot. It's a testament to his strength that he's able to do as much as he does."

"Do you ever get the urge to just… I don't know… alleviate his grief?"

Amell raised her eyebrows. So this woman had an interest in the Commander. She shouldn't be surprised but knowing it caused her insides to tighten. Looking at her, the Herald was beautiful. And she wasn't a mage. Her and Cullen could go on to have hundreds of babies and no one would bat an eye. She swallowed bile. No use getting sick over it. Didn't she want Cullen to be happy?

"He likes to play chess. It relaxes him." Was she really going to try and set up this woman with her Cullen? Apparently. "It's also best to be direct. He doesn't understand subtlety."

The other woman blushed. "Am I that obvious?"

"To me. But it won't be to him. Give him some time to warm up to you casual conversation maybe share something about yourself and in time show your interest. I'm sure he'll respond."

"So there isn't someone else?"

"No. There's not."

# # # # #

"I still think approaching the templars is our best bet," Cullen interjected. They were all arguing about their next move after the disastrous trip to Val Royeaux. The Herald listened to each side.

"What harm is there in seeing what the mages want?"

"It could be a trap. You don't know what desperate people will do," Cassandra said.

"I want to at least see what they have to say. Then I'll make a decision. However I'm troubled. None of us are mages. I want to bring someone who will understand. Solas is an apostate and Vivienne has history with Fiona, not the pleasant kind either."

"Then who are you suggesting?"

"Amell, actually. She's impressed me."

"Absolutely not," Cullen exclaimed before catching himself. The women looked at him, eyebrows raised, something akin to shock on their faces.

"What? Why not?" the Herald asked.

_Because I__'m not sending the woman I love and our unborn child into a trap._ He couldn't say that of course. "Because she's needed to keep the mages in line."

"Isn't that your job?" the Seeker asked.

"She's better at it than me."

"You give yourself too little credit," the Herald said. "She told me she wants to serve in whatever capacity we have for her and I'm taking her up on that. Does she have combat experience?"

He couldn't lie. "Yes. Much actually."

"Further reason to use her. I'll take Varric and Cassandra as well. If it's a trap, we'll spring it." With that they were dismissed. "Commander, could I speak with you?"

"Of course, Herald."

"I really wish you'd call me Evelyn."

"Funny you still call me Commander."

"Would you prefer I call you Cullen?"

"I… you may call me what you wish."

She smiled. "I know you are worried for Lady Amell, I wanted to assure you that she'll be protected."

"Amell isn't some delicate flower. I know that. But she's been through much. The horrors of…" He rubbed his neck.

"You've been through a lot together haven't you?"

"Yes, much. I'd rather spare her more pain."

"Unfortunately that's out of your control. Out of all of our controls. The world is at risk. She wouldn't want to be coddled."

"Maker knows how true that is. I shouldn't have been so outspoken."

"Actually I find your loyalty to your friend rather endearing."

"Oh?" He needed to be more careful. If the Herald deduced the extent of his feelings, they could be in trouble. "She's not the only one I worry for."

"Oh?" She raised an eyebrow, a smile starting to develop on her lips.

"I wouldn't want anything to happen to you or the others."

"You worry for me?"

"Of course. You put our life on the line every day. And every day I worry you won't come back."

"I… didn't realize. That's considerate of you."

"Without you, we'd have no hope. No way to lose rifts. No one to lead us when all we do is bicker. You are the back bone of this inquisition. Without you we would be lost."

"You've rendered me speechless Commander. I appreciate your concern. I only do what I must."

"Was that all, Herald?"

"Actually, I was wondering if we ever found the time if you'd be up for a game of chess."

"Chess?"

"Yes. Amell said you played."

"She did? What else did she say?"

"That you're a man of many talents. Was she wrong?"

"No, I play. It's just with everything, I don't… if there's time, I'd love to."

"Good. I look forward to it."

She left him flustered and unsure of himself. What else had Amell told the woman? And why? He wanted to go ask her but remembered their last conversation and stopped himself. As he walked back to his troops he looked for her. He found her conversing with Solas. Saw her tilt her head back and laugh, her hand resting on his arm. It saddened him. She could laugh with everyone but him.


	5. Chapter 5

Fighting alongside the Herald was exhilarating. The women bonded over slaying mages and templars and bandits. And of course Cullen. The Herald asked lots of questions about the Commander and Kirkwall and Ferelden. Amell was cautious of what she said, moderating her tone as not to sound so in awe. It was hard. He was awe worthy. Luckily most of the attention was on the Herald's apparent crush.

One night out from Redcliffe, Varric found Amell a ways from the camp, sitting alone.

"I know what you are trying to do," he said as he sat down beside her.

"Do you think it'll work?"

"I don't know. The two of you are nothing a like. I don't know Curly's type. If he even has one. You sure this isn't going to backfire on you?"

"How so?"

"Seeing him move on."

"It'll hurt but in the long run it'll be better for both of us."

"Maybe you should look to see someone else too."

"How can I when he's always around being irresistible?"

"Does it help being away?"

"Yes." Talking about him wasn't the same as seeing him. Even reminiscing about old times hadn't brought the familiar amount of dread just seeing him from across the yard brought.

"Then you should leave."

"Would you leave? There's a fucking hole in the sky. How am I suppose to ignore that?"

"You have the little one to think of."

"I know. Maker knows I know. I'm terrified, Varric. But to just leave, it feels wrong."

"You like the Herald."

"She's an easy woman to like."

"You won't like her much when she's bedding Cullen." Amell felt like she was going to be sick. "There's that face that tells me I'm right. Shit, Amell. I don't know what to tell you."

"I'm just taking it one day at a time."

"Just know I have your back."

"As I have yours. I'm blessed that your my friend."

"Don't forget it. Get some rest. Tomorrow promises to be interesting."

And interesting it was. Finding out that Fiona had sold the mages to Tevinter was almost beyond belief.

"What are you going to do?" she asked the Herald after they met the charming mage Dorian.

"I don't know. They are fucking stupid for trusting the magister."

"I don't disagree. It's better than turning to blood magic but not by much."

"What would you do in my situation?"

"Get someone else to make the decision," she replied with a laugh. "But really I'd have a hard time turning my back on the mages."

"There's also this new time magic to deal with."

"Yeah, wonderful that."

"What do you think?"

"It terrifies me and I'm a mage. I can't imagine how a non-mage would react."

"It terrifies me too. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need to discuss it with my advisors."

Well I already know what the Commander is going to say."

"Go to the templars," they said together. They both laughed.

"He is a bit predictable," Evelyn said.

"Most of the time."

"I want to thank you for coming with."

"I don't know if I was that much help."

"Nonsense. Your magic was indispensable."

"Well thank you for letting me be useful."

"You are useful at Haven. Cullen has said he doesn't know what he'd do without you."

She got serious. "He'd be fine without me. Sometimes I think he uses me as a crutch." The other woman got quiet. "We'll see how well he did without me when we get back."

"I admit I'll be glad to see him."

_Me too,_ she thought.

"I'm sure he'll be glad to see you too."

# # # # #

They were back. And Maker be praised she was in one piece. She looked fantastic. Full of life, vibrant, like a heavy burden was lifted off her. A burden that came crashing back when she saw him. _I__'m her burden,_ he thought. To his surprise she sought him out.

"I'm tired and stinky but I wanted to know how things fared without me."

"Well actually. The mages are well-disciplined."

"Good. I knew you didn't need me."

_I__'ll always need you._ "How was the trip?"

"Delightful," she said sarcastically. "I'm sure the Herald will want to brief all of you on it."

"I'm happy that you're back safe."

"Me too."

"Any close calls?"

"No. Not really."

"How are things?" He eyed her stomach. She was still not showing.

"Getting fatter by the day. I blame it on my overactive appetite."

At least she could joke with him. Things almost felt normal between them.

"Do you think you'll be going out again?"

"That's up to the Herald."

"You look like it did you good."

"Being away did me good."

Being away from him. He tried to hide the pain of her comment but it must have shown on his face. Her own face softened. "It's good to see you though. I admit I missed you."

"You had me worried."

"Well I'm well so stop worrying."

"I'll never stop worrying about you." He was taking it into too deep of territory that she didn't want to go so he backed up. "The mages will be happy to see you."

"And I them. How is integration?"

"Better."

"I guess maybe seeing us interact will help."

"Does that mean you'll stop avoiding me?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes. Everyone knows we are friends. We don't have to hide that."

"That's not why I've been avoiding you."

"Then why?"

"Because my self-control can only take so much."

"Your self-control? Why?" Then it dawned on him. "Oh."

"I don't think you understand the effect you have on women."

"Women?"

"If you think it's just me then you are blind."

He smirked. "I'm more interested in the effect I have on you."

She bit her lip. "Keep acting like that and I'll drag you to the nearest tent."

Maker's breath she still wanted him. He fought his own growing arousal. They were on dangerous ground.

"Maker I need a bath."

"Thanks for leaving that image in my head."

"I'll be thinking about you," she said with a coy smile before sauntering off. He took a deep breath. Maybe avoiding him had been in their best interests because it was taking all his willpower not to follow her.

A messenger came up to him. War council. Good a distraction.

They argued for days on their next move. Eventually the Herald reached a decision. She would go to Redcliffe.

"Who will you take with you?"

"I can't make anyone go, but I'd like to take Cassandra, Varric and Amell again."

Before he could object, Leliana beat him to it. "Something had come to my attention about Amell. I don't think it's wise to take her."

"Why not?"

"It seems the woman is with child."

"What?" he yelled. How did they find out? Who betrayed them? His cry alarmed the other women. "I mean are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"Wow. Why didn't she tell me?" the Herald wondered.

"Fear most like. The fact she has stayed and not fled is a testament to her character."

"Well we will worry about what to do about that later. I'll take someone else."

And as if on cue, a mage waltzed in.

Cullen barely heard what else happened, his mind on Amell. When the meeting was over he rushed to find her. The Herald had found her first. Amell looked nearly in tears.

"I wish you had told me. I wouldn't have put you at risk."

"I'm sorry. Truly I am. I was scared. I still am."

"Your service to the inquisition is noted. We will deal with this when the world isn't in peril. I just thought we were friends."

"I… I'm sorry."

The Herald nodded and walked toward him. "Be gentle," she whispered.

"Amell, are you alright?"

"I'm so stupid," she spat out, tears now falling. "I'm selfish and stupid and…"

He pulled her against him not caring who saw. "You're not. You are amazing. You are the most kind, compassionate woman I have ever met." She sobbed in his arms. "We'll get through this."

"I'll get through this Cullen, there is no we."

She pulled away. She put a finger to his lips before he could speak. "I love you. I'm not dragging you down with me," she said in a whisper.

"I won't let you face this alone."

"I'm not alone."

He wanted to bury his face in her neck, wanted to kiss away her tears, but he refrained. There were eyes everywhere.

"What are you going to do?"

"Stay. Fight however they let me and deal with the consequences of my mistakes."

"Was I a mistake?"

Her face softened and she stroked his cheek. "You were never a mistake."


	6. Chapter 6

Amell waited as the Herald led the newly conscripted rebel mages to close the giant rift in the sky. Cullen was with them. She worried. She couldn't help it. There was a loud cheer when the rift closed. She could only hope everyone was okay. The celebration started long before the Herald made it back. It was dusk by the time the exhausted Herald stumbled back to camp. Cullen was at her side, the two of them deep in conversation. She felt a lump in her throat seeing them so close. _You__'re going to see them a lot closer if your plan works,_ she thought. The thought unsettled her.

She wasn't in the mood to celebrate so she stayed by herself away from the dancing. Cullen still found her. He pulled her further into the darkness where no one could see them. He had a big grin on his face and her mood lightened seeing him so relaxed.

"She did it," Amell said.

"Yes." He was staring at her. Had he been drinking? She leaned in to try and smell if there was alcohol on his breath, at least that's the reason she told herself. He leaned in too and their lips met. He tasted of spirits and that made her hesitate until he pulled her in, his hands cupping her face and slowly but thoroughly kissed her. She sighed as his lips moved across hers. She tangled her fingers in his curls, pulling him in deeper. A loud shout broke the moment causing Cullen to curse and look around. He ran and she followed, wondering what the shouting meant.

"There is an army approaching Haven, ser," one of the scouts reported. "Hundreds under no banner."

Cullen immediately went into Commander mode. He turned toward her. "Amell gather the mages and meet me at the gates."

She did what she was told, her heart hammering in her chest. Gathering the mages was difficult since they weren't all in one spot. She got who she could and met the Commander. He started barking out orders.

"Amell gather the non-fighters and get them to the Chantry."

"I can stay and fight."

"Do as I command." His voice left no room to question.

He was simply trying to protect her, she knew that, but she resented it too.

# # # # #

They fought hard and when the trebuchet caused an avalanche, they cheered. The cheers died in their throats when the dragon appeared. Cullen hurried everyone to the Chantry. Once there he delivered the grim news to the Herald. Her face fell but all he could think of was Amell. As soon as he could he'd find her. They would die together.

But Roderick had an escape route. There was hope. It would only require the Herald to sacrifice herself. He felt a moment of doubt. Could he really send this woman to her death? It didn't matter how he felt because she was going regardless.

"Let that thing hear you."

He rushed to get people moving. He had to at least give the Herald a chance. He found Amell with some children, murmuring reassurances.

"Gather them. There is a way out." She nodded grimly. He grabbed her arm. "We'll get through this."

She nodded again. He needed her to have hope. They trudged up the path set by Roderick and it was slow going, too slow. Every second felt like an hour. Finally they reached the tree line and he sent off the flare. Moments later the mountain fell and Haven was buried. The Herald was buried. He felt an inkling of hope when he saw Cassandra leading Varric and Solas, the companions who had been with the Herald. But by their grim expressions he knew it was too late for her.

So the trudged along. Morale dead even if they weren't. They had to stop and Cullen arranged for some fires. He was looking for Amell again when a strange boy stopped him.

"Cold, so cold. Can't keep going. See their fires, must be close. Keep going Evelyn, keep going."

Hearing her name he rushed off, not even considering the boy being wrong. Himself, Cassandra and few of his men found her and he carried her back to the fire. She was so cold. And light. Maker she was light, so easily broken and yet whole. He laid her down, her hand still clinging to him so he wrapped it in his own trying to warm her.

Amell walked up to them, worried. "Let me." He could feel her warmth, her magic. She used her magic to warm the Herald. "Someone needs to watch her."

"I will," he offered and she nodded.

"If she goes cold, get me."

"Wait. How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"And the baby?" She doesn't answer. "Amell?"

"We're fine. Stop worrying."

"But I do worry. I can't just turn it off."

"I'm not having this discussion with you here."

"Stop shutting me out." He pulled her from the room and away from anyone that could be listening in. "We nearly died."

"And it will probably happen again. This is our life now and if you want me to be okay you need to leave me alone."

He pulled her close and kissed her. This time she fought him. "No. You are not allowed to do that. You are my commander. That is it."

Her words stung. "As you wish, my lady."

He stalked back to the tent where the Herald laid. He watched over as she slept. On the outside he appeared calm but on the inside he raged. So close to losing her but who was he fooling? She wasn't his to lose. She didn't want him anymore. He craved lyrium, just a sip to regain his control. But it wasn't an option. He had to stay strong. He yearned to go to her, to spill his troubles. She was his rock. But she was right. If he kept going to her, kept kissing her, someone would find out. And he had no idea what the consequences would be. For her sake, he'd stay away. It didn't matter how badly he wanted her, he loved her too much to put her in danger.


	7. Chapter 7

She had been lying on her bedroll when the singing started. She sat up and walked, watching as the others started to sing. Her eyes found him, how could they not and she closed her eyes, hearing his voice drowning out the others. Tears pricked beneath her lids but she wouldn't cry. She knelt with the others, offering her allegiance to the Herald. Whatever was to come her path was set. She belonged to this inquisition. She could not turn her back. So she followed with the rest as the Herald led them to Maker knows where. She wasn't in the know so she went to someone who might be.

"Do you know where she's taking us?" she asked Cullen, speaking to him for the first time since she had told him to stay away. And he'd respected that. He stayed at the Herald's side. But this was safe. Speaking to him with so many people around. They could be professional with one another. Maybe even one day they could be friends again.

He eyed her for a moment before responding. "Skyhold. There's a fortress near here. A place to rebuild."

"That's wonderful. The people could use the hope."

They walked in awkward silence, neither knowing what to say. She found herself gazing up at him every so often. He was breathtaking. She would never tire of his strong beauty. She only wished he would smile. Nothing compared to his smile.

"You keep looking at me."

"I'm sorry."

"Is there a reason?"

"I like looking at you," she said lowly.

His lips twitched into the barest of smiles. Before anything else could be said, the Herald came between them. Literally.

"How are you, Amell?" she asked. "Is this too much walking for you?"

"No I'm fine. Thank you for your concern."

"Would you mind if I stole the Commander?"

_Yes, I would,_ she thought bitterly. "He's yours."

She walked away from them. It wasn't long until she heard him laugh. Good. At least someone can make him happy.

"Why the long face?" Varric asked.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah if you keep saying it, maybe it'll come true."

"Is it really that obvious I'm miserable."

"Only to those who know you. How's the little one?"

"Still breathing. I think all this walking is actually good for it."

"At least it's good for something."

"How are you, Varric? We haven't gotten to talk since Haven."

"I've been better. This whole thing is a mess. I should tell you. I contacted Hawke."

"When?"

"Just this morning. Borrowed a bird."

"Is it safe?"

"I don't know. I hope so. But she needed to know. And with Corypheus back…"

"She'd want to know. Can't say I wouldn't be pleased to see her. And Alistair."

"I bet she misses you too kiddo. When did you talk to her last?"

"It has been a while."

She saw the Herald throw a snowball at the Commander's face. She saw him retaliate, laughing. It hurt her heart.

"Does it get easier, Varric?"

He was silent a moment. "In some ways, yes. In others, no."

# # # # #

Now that they were at Skyhold, Cullen had so much to do. He was planning guard rotations when he noticed Amell practicing magic with some of the other mages. He found himself staring until one of his men interrupted with a report on who they lost. The newly made inquisitor approached.

"What's that?" she asked.

"A report on who we lost."

"How many?"

"Most of our people made it."

"I'm glad that you— that so many made it."

"You could have… I won't let something like this happen again. You have my word. Should Corypheus strike, there would be no backing down, not that I'd want to."

She nodded. She was silent for a moment, looking unsure of herself. "Did you leave anyone behind in Kirkwall?"

"I fear I made few friends and my family is in Ferelden."

"So no one special caught your eye?"

He looked over at Amell. "Not in Kirkwall."

When he looked back at the Inquisitor, he saw her smiling at him. She had a lovely smile. A pang of guilt hit him. Why should he feel guilty for noticing another woman? Especially one that was so far out of his reach. It was not like he was betraying Amell. Was he? It didn't matter. She was the Inquisitor and he her Commander. Even if there was an attraction there he'd never act on it.

Not that Amell wanted him anymore. Thinking about Amell caused so many different emotions through him that he felt a bit sick. This was all his fault of course. A templar in love with a mage. A mage carrying his child. A child he couldn't claim. Nothing would ever happen with the Inquisitor because Amell had broken him.

"I should leave you to your duties," the Inquisitor said.

"Yes. Thank you. If you ever need anything…"

She smiled again and lowered her eyes. "I'm sure I'll think of something."

He cleared his throat. "I should check on the mages."

"You still don't trust them?"

"Do you?"

"I trust their desperate and hopefully loyal. I have some ideas on what to do with them. What do you think of Amell?"

He startled at the sound of her name. "What do you uh mean?"

"You've worked closely together before. Is she a good leader? Will the mages follow her? Can she be trusted? I thought for a moment we'd be friends but the baby blindsided me. I was probably a bit unfair."

"Amell is… well she's kind of amazing. Easy to work with, opinionated but willing to compromise. She is incredibly empathetic and cares deeply for the mages."

"So you think she can handle the responsibility?"

He paused. "I would think so. Ummm things have been different lately. I don't know if she'd want the responsibility."

"You seem to care a great deal for her."

"I admire her yes but…" He needed to be more careful. The Inquisitor was becoming suspicious.

"I didn't mean to put words in your mouth."

"I'm sure you can ask several others around Skyhold and get similar answers. She has a way."

"And she's very pretty."

"I uh hadn't noticed." Liar. She wasn't merely pretty. Pretty didn't even come close to describing her.

The Inquisitor laughed and Cullen relaxed. If the Inquisitor realized just how much Amell meant to him, they'd both be in trouble.

"Well you should check on those mages. And if you would, maybe see if she'd be interested. As long as you're not opposed to working with her again."

"I'm not opposed."

"Good. I will talk to you again soon. Oh and Cullen? Thank you."

"Uh for what?"

"Just… thank you." And with that she walked away.

Confused Cullen approached Amell. "How are the mages?" he asked.

"Great actually. Each is ready to serve. No sign of abominations. Our mages are integrating well with Fiona's."

"And how is it working with Fiona?"

"Good. There is a lot I can learn from her. We might not agree on everything but she's a great woman."

He sighed. "You always see the good in people."

"Are you saying I'm wrong?"

"I don't know. What I do know of the woman doesn't strike me as great."

"You always see the worst in mages."

"That's not fair." She bit her lip, clearly wanting to keep arguing. "I think you're pretty great." She quirked an eyebrow at him. "And I'm not just saying that because of our past. You have done remarkable things, helped numerous people, you really only have one flaw."

"I'm a mage?"

"I wasn't going to say that. You being a mage isn't a flaw."

"It's what keeps us apart."

"If you weren't a mage, you wouldn't be you. And I love you."

She looked on the verge of tears. "So what's my big flaw?"

"Loving me."

Before he could say another word, she left. He thought she heard sniffling.


	8. Chapter 8

Varric led her along the battlement. When she saw pulled back raven hair and a tall blond haired man with their backs to her, she ran. They heard her and turned and she flung herself into Hawke's open arms.

"Amell," she said, her voice tight. "It's been far too long."

Once she was done hugging Hawke, she turned towards Alistair. He didn't wait before embracing her. He kissed the top of her head. When he let go his hands found her round stomach. "You've gotten so big."

Hawke coughed. "You don't say that to a woman."

Amell laughed. "I missed you so much. Letters do not suffice."

"No they do not. How are you? How is the baby?"

"We are fine."

"Just fine?"

"Everyone is healthy."

"And Cullen?"

Amell felt a tightening in her gut. "He's fine too."

"I'm not going to like this am I."

"No one here can know. It's too dangerous."

"For him maybe. Why should all the shit fall on you? He's just as responsible."

"He needs to move on."

"Bullshit."

"Hawke please."

"Oh don't worry. I won't blow your secret. But it doesn't mean I approve."

"You'd really not approve of her trying to hook Curly up with the Inquisitor."

"You are trying to do what?"

"Varric really?"

"Maybe she can talk some sense into you."

"I just don't understand the two of you. Love doesn't have to be so complicated. Look at Alistair and me. Templar, mage, it can work."

"Ex-templar."

"So is dear Cullen."

"He still has his duty."

"He has a duty to you."

"I can't make him be with me."

"So you throw him at another woman? Is this a pregnancy thing? Or are you just crazy?"

"I'm not crazy. If he moves on then I can."

"How about you move on first. There are plenty of men who would actually choose you over duty."

"I don't want anyone else."

Hawke sighed. "Alright. I'm sorry. No wait, I'm not sorry. It needed to be said. However I'll drop it now."

"Are you going to be staying long?"

"Unfortunately no. I'm going to Crestwood to introduce the Inquisitor to Stroud. You remember Stroud, the grey warden?"

"Umm maybe? I'm not good with names."

"Says the woman who memorized every mage and templar at the Circle."

"That was different… and hard."

"Well don't worry, Alistair is staying."

This took him by surprise. "I am? Since when?"

"Since now."

"I don't need Alistair to protect me."

"You do. I don't trust this inquisition, not with the baby. With Varric and I gone you need someone to support you."

"Me versus the entire inquisition?" Alistair asked.

"I'd just feel better knowing she had back up. If they try anything, get her out of here."

"I can make decisions for myself."

"Clearly your decisions thus far haven't been in your best interest. I love you, but you shouldn't be here."

"Where should I be? There's a nasty darkspawn magister gathering a demon army somewhere, threatening all of our lives. What else should I do?"

"Protect yourself."

"I'm not defenseless."

"But that child inside you is." Amell took a deep breath. "You don't want the baby?" Hawke asked, her voice soft.

"I don't know what I want. All I know is that people need me here and that I'm making a difference. I don't want to spend my life on the run. I want something stable for the baby, a home."

"A father?"

Amell nodded, tears threatening to fall. Hawke hugged her. "We'll make a home for this baby. I'm not leaving you behind again. That I promise."

# # # # #

The headache was blinding. He swallowed the medicine that was supposed to help and closed his eyes. He heard his door open and shut and when he opened his eyes, Hawke stood in front of him. She didn't look pleased.

"I heard you were around. Have you seen Amell yet?"

"Of course."

"How are you?"

"Great. The monster I thought, no I know, I killed is up and wreaking havoc. My world is at risk. The people I love put themselves in harm's way to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I worry all the damn time but I can't show that otherwise the man I love becomes a mess. I'm the strong one. But it's hard to stay strong." He hadn't expected all that from her. They were never really that close but she needed to get it out and he was glad he could be there to hear it. "How are you, Cullen?"

"About as good as you."

"The difference between us of course is that I'm not a coward."

"Excuse me?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"It's none of your business."

"None of my business? She's the only family I have left and you abandoned her."

"It was her choice."

"Sure. It's not like you don't have the power to change her mind. You could have taken her away from all this, kept her safe."

"There is nowhere safe now. I do this for her, for them both. I give all of myself to the inquisition in order to make the world safe again. Because if we fail, there will be no future for us."

"And when Corypheus is defeated, then what?"

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"Because she might not be waiting for me then."

"That woman will wait for you until the day she dies. All she's ever done is wait for you. You could at least assure her that you'll be there when this is over."

"I can't make her that promise."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Because I don't know if I'm going to make it. There's a lot going on."

"So it's better for her to suffer alone, to bear this burden alone, because you are afraid?"

There was a knock on his door. He went around and opened it. The Inquisitor stood there. Had she heard?

"I've never known you to lock your door," she said.

"That was me," Hawke said.

"Oh hello, Hawke."

It was awkward.

"Well I said my piece. Goodbye Cullen. Remember what you promised me." She left.

"Promise?" asked the Inquisitor.

"When she left Kirkwall I promised I'd keep an eye on and protect her cousin."

"Who is her cousin?"

"Amell. Who she doesn't approve of being here alone and pregnant."

"Well that surely wasn't your fault."

Actually it was. "In her eyes, I failed."

"Well she expects too much of you. Amell is a grown woman. I've seen how capable she is."

"She's the only family Hawke has left. She's overprotective. I understand."

"Don't put undue pressure on yourself. You have so much weight on your shoulders already."

"I continue to do my best. Can I help you with something?"

"Oh actually we are leaving for Crestwood in the morning. I thought that maybe you'd be up for a break. Maybe a game?"

"I uh have a lot of work."

"You need to relax sometime. That's an order."

"You are ordering me to play with you?"

She laughed. "Do I need to?"

He looked down at the mess of papers on his desk. "No. To the garden then?"

They played chess and he did find himself relaxing. They talked about their families and he found he enjoyed her company. Once they finished up, he made his way back to his office, dreading the work that needed to be done. His mind drifted to Amell, as it usually did. Could they have a future together? The inquisition wouldn't last forever and then he'd be free right? His heart pounded. It was too much to ask for. He couldn't get his hopes up and he definitely couldn't get hers up. He'd keep the thought to himself. But the small spark of hope it gave him made his day.


	9. Chapter 9

Amell was watching a few mages practice spells when she was approached by Vivienne. Vivienne smiled at her. "Do you have a moment to spare?" she asked, her voice dripping with nobleness. Vivienne intimidated her.

"Of course, First Enchanter."

"My, my you are polite. Forgive me for not introducing myself earlier. Things have been… hectic."

"No forgiveness is required. I'm honored you've come to speak with me. Can I inquire what about?"

"The mages of course. I fear another rebellion."

"Against the inquisition?"

"No. Once this is over with. I believe the Circle is the answer. I know you were there when two Circles fell but you stayed and rebuilt them. Why?"

"Safety for one. In Kirkwall I wanted to restore the balance that I found in Ferelden."

"Some would say Ferelden failed because the templars were too lenient."

"And Kirkwall fell because they were too cruel. Like I said, balance."

"I agree. Balance is key. But how do we do that?"

"Monitoring the templars for one. Given too much power and no oversight leads to corruption. Also respect rather than fear between templars and mages. Too many templars see mages as something sinful, a stain and too many mages see templars as their jailers."

"So what's the solution?"

"I know mages need training and I know templars are needed in the chance a mage gives into temptation. However we can't control how people are. I'm afraid there will always be corrupted mages and corrupted templars."

"So you don't believe in freedom, complete freedom?"

"I don't know. I do know if a child were to show magical abilities and had no where to go, no where to learn, they'd be abandoned or killed. But the Circles are too restrictive. There is no freedom to love, to live, to have a family. Mages lose the chance to have something more. And templars sacrifice as well. The big difference is that they chose this life, mages don't have that freedom."

Viviene eyed her belly. "Do you fear for your child?"

"Yes."

"And yet you remain knowing they very well could take the child from you."

"Because it's the right thing to do."

"You surprise me. I expected you to be more like Fiona."

"I believe mages deserve more than the Circles provide but that doesn't discount the dangers. Magic is dangerous."

"So again balance."

"Why are you asking me all of this?"

"Because when this is over, when Corypheus is defeated and the Chantry elects a new Divine, the inquisition will be in a position of great power when it comes to the fate of the mages. The Inquisitor herself may be the one to make the decision and I know her heart. She doesn't trust herself to make the decision without feedback. I provide one point of view, Fiona another. You are in a position of power, even if you won't admit to it. I needed to know your view."

"You are worried about my influence?"

"A bit. But I'm more concerned with allies. Your ideas are strong. You could help us rebuild, make things better."

"It's what I want to do."

"Can you do that and raise a child?"

Amell put her hands on her stomach. "I don't know if I'll even be allowed to keep it."

"That is up to the Inquisitor. Whatever happens I hope you keep your focus on the whole. Mages everywhere will depend on us. Well darling it was good talking to you. Take care."

"You too. You've given me much to think on."

# # # # #

Cullen was stuck doing paperwork again. He was always doing paperwork. His door opened and the Inquisitor walked in. She had a smile on her lips.

"Hello, Inquisitor."

"You can call me Evelyn you know." He smiled. "Anything I should know?"

"Sera brought me a cake. Said I looked hungry."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I wasn't sure if it was a thoughtful gesture or a trick. I thought you would know."

She laughed. "Could be either."

"Was there something you needed?"

"Actually I was wondering if we could talk… alone."

What could this be about and why couldn't they do it here? "A-alone? Sure."

He followed her out on the battlements. They walked in awkward silence. "It's a nice day," he said, reaching up and rubbing his neck.

"What?" He must have interrupted her thoughts.

"It's… you wanted to talk."

"Yes. I find myself thing about you… well, all the time."

Shit. Shit. Shit. This was not a conversation he wanted to have. "I ah…" He cleared his throat. How the hell should he handle this? "I'm flattered but there's someone else."

"Oh." She turned a bright pink. "I assumed… oh fuck."

"You couldn't have known. You are lovely but you are the Inquisitor and I the Commander."

"I didn't know you were involved with anyone."

"I'm not, technically. The relationship is over. I'm just not over her."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It just didn't work out. And now the inquisition needs my full attention. I cannot offer you anything."

"Oh Cullen, I get it. I can't say I'm not disappointed but I've been in love before. I know how hard it is to let go of those feelings. Is she here?"

"Yes. I see her every day."

"That can't help."

"I don't want you to worry. My focus is on the inquisition."

"Cullen, everyone needs a personal life, even you."

"I can't afford it."

"Is that why the two of you aren't together?"

"It's complicated."

"I see. Well if you ever need someone to talk to, I make a great listener."

"Even now? With what just happened?"

"You're an attractive man. I'm sure I'm not the only one in Skyhold with a little crush. I'll get over it. But I'm also your friend. At least I hope so."

He blushed at her words. "Of course, Evelyn."

She smiled. "Is it bad I want to know more about her? The woman who captured your heart."

"She's hard to talk about."

"Right. Forgive me. I'm just overly curious."

"I've noticed."

"I've taken enough of your time though. Back to work for us both."

He nodded and they walked back to his office. "Like I said, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on I promise not to take advantage of you."

"I'll keep that in mind."

When she left he let out a giant sigh of relief. He had rejected women before but it was never comfortable. And for her, someone like her to actually be interested in him, it was flattering. He wondered if Amell wasn't in the picture if he would have pursued things with Evelyn. She was beautiful, smart, talented and way out of his league. He would be a moron to turn that down. But Amell was in the picture. And no matter what he did, she owned him.

He left his office to go find her. She was in the practice field watching two soldiers spar. What was she doing? He came closer until he was standing next to her. She noticed him and smiled.

"Nice day, Commander."

"Yes. I didn't realize you had an interest in watching my soldiers train."

"Thought I could pick up a trick or two."

His eyes studied her form, eyes ending up on her ever growing stomach. "How's the baby?"

"Active."

He wanted to reach out and feel her stomach, to feel their child move, but he couldn't. He hated that he couldn't.

"I wonder if it'll be a warrior or a mage," she said softly.

"Who knows maybe he'll come out as a rogue?"

"He? How do you know it won't be a girl?"

"It'll be loved regardless," he said. This caused her to sigh. "I've been thinking—"

"Is here the place to have this conversation?" She sounded cold.

"I suppose not. Where would you want to?"

She pressed her lips together. "I don't know if it'd be appropriate. Rumors have a nasty habit of developing."

"I want to be able to talk to you. We used to be friends."

"Cullen, I'm not sure we were ever really just friends. And now…"

"Here's not the place for this conversation."

"I'm sorry. This is difficult for me."

"I understand."

"I should get back to training instead of ogling your recruits."

"You were ogling?" He didn't like that.

She looked at him. Big blue eyes. Eyes he could get lost into. She didn't answer him though.

"Anything else Commander?"

"No."

"Have a good day."

And she left. Anyone paying attention would have seen the heartbreak on his face. Luckily no one was paying attention.


	10. Chapter 10

Amell very much wanted to forget everything. But that just wasn't an option for her. So she sought out company, Varric's company. The dwarf had a way of making her smile. And he was smart enough to stay away from the topic of Cullen. Usually at least. Something was on his mind when she found him in front of his fire.

"Walk with me," he said and they walked to the gardens. They found a spot where they wouldn't be overheard. "You need a plan, kiddo."

"I know."

"Have you considered what you are going to do?"

"Yes. As soon as this mess with the wardens is over, I'm leaving with Hawke. We already discussed it."

"You are really going to leave?"

"I have to. I can't stay. Not when the baby is in danger. Not when I have to see him every day. It's for the best."

Varric gripped her shoulder. "I won't be happy to see you go, but I'll be happy you are safe." They hugged. "Are you going to tell him?"

"No. It'll be easier to just go."

"He's not going to take it well."

"He'll move on. Without me as a constant reminder, he'll find his happiness elsewhere."

"You should give him the choice though. It's his child too."

"He needs to be here. They need him more than I do."

Varric nodded. Alistair approached. "There you are. Hawke is looking for you. Wants to see you before we leave for Adamant."

Amell grinned. Hawke would improve her mood, she always did.

# # # # #

Cullen was ready for the war council meeting to be over. They had hashed out their plan for Adamant and the army would march in two days. But instead of dismissing them, the Inquisitor had other things on her mind.

"We need to figure out what we are going to do about Amell and her child. I'd like for us to come to a decision now."

Cullen's mouth went dry. He did not want to have this conversation. "Is now really the time?"

"It's been weighing heavily on my mind. I think I know what to do but I'm open to suggestions."

Cullen couldn't speak. He had plenty to say but it wouldn't come out.

Josephine spoke up first. "Whatever decision you make will have an impact. It'll set a precedence. And could further the Chantry's ire with us."

"I get that. Letting her keep the child will give us no allies with the Chantry and it will be a declaration of support for mage freedom, something I'm not comfortable with." Had she already decided? "Commander, your thoughts?"

"You won't like what I have to say."

"Say it anyways."

"You would lose valuable allies if you force her to give up the child."

"I assume you mean Hawke."

"Not just her. The mages from Kirkwall are very protective of her. Some of your own companions would balk at this course of action."

"You?"

"I admit I would be…" He needed the right word. One that didn't betray their secret. "Disappointed."

"As I former templar I would have thought you would approve of upholding Chantry law."

"I turned my back on the Order."

"The idea that those who should be loyal to our cause would abandon it over one woman makes me frustrated." The Inquisitor sounded upset. Cullen's need to reassure her warred with his need to protect Amell.

"There is a third option. Let Amell leave. Her allies wouldn't feel the need to defend her and you wouldn't upset the Chantry," Leliana offered. Amell leave. The thought of never seeing her again twisted his gut.

"I'm a bit surprised she hasn't already fled," Josephine said.

"She's loyal to the cause," he said. "Loyalty that should be rewarded."

"Would my commander be rebelling if I force her to give up the child?"

He paused to collect his thoughts. They were all staring at him. "My personal feelings on it aside, I am loyal to the inquisition. Too much is at stake."

His stomach hurt saying the words. He felt as if he were betraying Amell. She would never forgive him if she found out he put the inquisition above the wellbeing of their child.

"Good. Truth is we need to be focused on Corypheus which means we need all the allies we can get. Amell is a powerful mage and on top of that a good leader. While I'm wary of setting a precedent, I can't afford a war within my own ranks. Thank you for the input. I will not separate mother and child. Maker forgive me."

Cullen breathed a sigh of relief which the other women noticed.

"Which brings me to the other issue with Amell. I would like to promote her to oversee all the mages over Fiona. I don't trust Fiona's judgments and I don't agree with her views on mage freedom. I don't want her to have more power and there isn't another mage that commands as much loyalty as Amell."

"How long have you been thinking this?" Leliana asked.

"A while now. But the issue of her pregnancy was standing in the way."

"It's a lot of power to give someone."

"Do you have another candidate?"

"Not really. Maybe Vivienne."

"I prefer to take her with me. She wouldn't be around enough. If no one objects?"

Cullen shook his head. This meant he'd be spending a lot of time with Amell. He could do that right? Without it getting complicated?

"I'll be informing her of my intentions before Adamant. Gives her time to think about it and by the time we get back she should have an answer. I assume you can command the mages on your own Commander."

"Of course."

"Good. Unless we have anything further?"

No one spoke.

"Then let's prepare for Adamant."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: NSFW**

Amell was prepping the mages for Adamant. She wouldn't be going with them of course. Not in her condition. Tomorrow the army would march and everyone she cared about would be going off to war. Leaving her behind. She worried. She walked towards the tavern where Hawke and Alistair waited, both intending to get drunk before the march tomorrow. On her way, she was stopped by the Inquisitor.

"Enchanter Amell, could I speak with you a moment?"

"Of course. How can I be of service?" The Inquisitor seldom talked to her. Much too busy.

"It's about the baby."

Her stomach dropped. She had made a decision. She had a small glimmer of hope that since she was telling her ahead of time she could prepare for what was to come next. "What about it?"

"I've decided to let you keep him. You're a valuable ally to the inquisition and your loyalty should be rewarded."

"What about the Chantry?"

"We are not bound by Chantry law. I am sorry for how I reacted to the news. I don't like complications but it wasn't fair to you either. I hope to rebuild the friendship we started to develop."

"I'd like that."

"There was one other thing, more pressing actually. I'd like you to take control of leading the mages when we return from Adamant."

"What do you mean? What about Fiona?"

"I can't trust her. And Cullen needs the help. You will assist him however he sees fit. I trust the two of you can work together again. Of course it's your choice."

"I'm honored."

"Does that mean you accept?"

"Yes. Whatever you need of me."

"Wonderful."

"Good luck with Adamant, Inquisitor. Be safe."

"Thank you. See you when we get back."

Amell wished she had the other woman's confidence. War was unpredictable and their journey was a dangerous one. Not everyone would be coming home.

She entered the tavern and quickly spotted her family. She walked over to them, already deep in their cups.

"Amell, my favorite cousin. Come sit with us," Hawke called out.

She sat and told Hawke all about her talk with the Inquisitor. Hawke's mood became somber. "Does this mean you aren't coming with me when I leave?"

"I have a duty here. The baby is no longer in danger." She paused. "You could stay as well. The inquisition could use you."

"Maybe I will. I am tired of running. Aren't you, love?"

Alistair nodded. "We could settle down."

She felt relief at their words. She didn't want to lose them, not again. She peered around the busy tavern, her eyes resting on an attractive man sitting on a stool by the bar. He caught her look, smiled and raised his mug. Hawke noticed.

"Making eyes with one of the men?"

"No," Amell said quickly. "It's just I'm… how to put this delicately… I'm experiencing certain urges. I think it's the pregnancy."

"You're horny."

"You don't have to put it like that."

"Okay, so go talk to the man. See if he's up for a little roll in the hay, so to speak. It'd do you good."

"I don't even know the man. I couldn't."

"I'd let you borrow Alistair to take care of your needs, but then I'd have to kill you."

Alistair made a face. "I'm not letting you whore me out, not even to Amell."

"Such a kind offer, but no. Alistair is the last person in Skyhold I'd sleep with."

"Ouch. That bruises a man's ego."

"It's not personal."

"Sure sounded personal."

"You're like my cousin-in-law now. You're family. I'm not going there."

"It was a joke," Hawke said, laughing. "I'd never let any other woman touch my Alistair. Unless of course I was touching her as well."

Alistair blushed. All this talk of sex was not helping her situation. "Could we please change the subject?"

"No. You have needs. Needs that aren't being met. I intend for them to be met." She gestured for the man at the bar to come over.

"Don't you dare." He started coming over. Amell hurried to her feet. "I'm not going to let you humiliate me. I can take care of my own needs." She quickly left the tavern, leaving a bemused Hawke.

The cool air hit her face, cooling her burning cheeks. She shouldn't let it bother her. Maybe she should have stayed, who knows what would happen. But no. The truth was her mind was on Cullen. Even a harmless fling felt like a betrayal. _You don__'t owe him anything,_ she told herself. But it didn't matter. He owned her heart and body. No one else would come close to pleasing her.

Her feet brought her closer to his tower without her even realizing it. _I just need to talk to him. Tell him about what the Inquisitor said._ She continued to lie to herself the entire way.

# # # # #

Cullen was nearly done with a stack of paperwork when Amell let herself into his office. She latched the door behind her and made her way to the other door. He simply looked at her. What was she doing here and why was she locking the door?

"We need to talk."

Cullen cleared his throat. He wasn't in the mood for another battle, another heartbreak, another talk with Amell. He began to tell her that, when she cut him off.

"This is important. You are leaving for Adamant and you could die. I don't want you to die before I get this off my chest."

"Alright I guess."

"The Inquisitor is letting me keep the baby. She also promoted me."

"I know all this already."

"We are going to be spending a lot of time together and I hope we can be professional about it. But tonight, tonight is different."

She began to undo the bindings on her robe. He watched spellbound as the material drifted to the floor. She continued to remove her small clothes until she stood before him, completely and gloriously naked. He cleared his throat again. He was already growing hard.

"Amell, this isn't a good idea." Being with her again would break him. He knew it. He had to protect himself.

"Is there someone else?" She asked, her voice suddenly unsure. She wrapped her arms around her chest.

"Why would you think that?"

"There are rumors about you and the Inquisitor. Is that why you are rejecting me?"

"There is nothing going on with anyone. How could I when you consume my every thought?"

She shivered but she didn't put her clothes back on. She walked over to him, clearly not taking his hesitation as an answer. She reached for him, stroking his cheek with her hand. It felt good. She felt good. She grabbed his hand and guided it to her body. His large hand drifted along until it rested on her stomach. She closed her eyes.

"I want you, Commander."

Her words caused a spark inside him. He wanted her too. Too much. He couldn't deny himself, not when she presented herself like this. Not when she was so vulnerable. So he stood up and cupped her face in his hands. He bent down, caressing her mouth with his lips. She moved in closer, trying to press her mouth more firmly on his but he moved his lips down her face and to her neck. He trailed kisses down her throat eliciting a soft moan from her.

He placed his hands on her hips and continued to tease her flesh with his mouth. She had her head thrown back and her breathing was coming in much faster. He loved the effect he had on her. His cock strained against his breeches, wanting her touch. But he planned on taking this slow. She had other ideas.

She put her hands on his face and brought it up so she could look at him. "I don't want sweet, loving Cullen. I want the hard, unrelenting Commander of the inquisition. I want you to take me like you own me."

He crashed his mouth against hers and slipped his tongue in her waiting mouth. If she wanted him to be her Commander, he would oblige. "Sit on the desk," he commanded as soon as he pulled away. She obeyed.

He started to undo the clasps that held on to his armor but she stopped him. "Keep it on, Commander."

He found her mouth again and his hands roamed across her flesh. He paid special attention to her pert breasts, so full in his hands. He thumbed her nipple and she arched her back. He bent down and captured it in his mouth, sucking and biting.

"Spread your legs for me," he commanded and she obeyed. He ran his finger down her slit, remarking on how wet she was. "You're already ready for me."

"I've been wanting you for forever."

"Shh," he told her. "I don't want this sweet either."

He would take her, take all of her because she belonged to him. He needed to be inside of her. He unlaced his breeches and let them fall to the floor. He'd keep on the rest to please her. He grasped her thighs as he readied himself. Plunging into her depths, he let out a low groan. She was tight. She fitted around his length perfectly.

"Harder, Commander. I need you."

He silenced her with his mouth, staying absolutely still inside of her. "I will take you how I please."

She moaned at his words, grasping tightly to his biceps. He then began to move. He took her hard, but slow. Enjoying each smack of their bodies. She leaned back, giving him a full view of her body. His hands grabbed her hips, lifting her slightly off the desk so he could penetrate deeper. He increased his pace, spurred on by the lovely noises coming from her mouth. He bent down, sucking on her throat, marking her. _Mine._

"Oh, Commander," she murmured breathless. "You feel so good."

He reached down and rubbed the bundle of nerves that he knew would set her off. He wanted to feel her come around him. Needed it. He felt her peak, squeezing him, causing him to nearly lose himself in her. He wanted to lose himself. Nothing else mattered in this moment. Not the inquisition, not Corypheus, not even the fact that when this was over he would lose her again. No, in this moment, they were one, together, perfect.

He emptied himself inside of her, his face buried in her neck. They had been together so many times before but this was special. This was a promise. He could almost believe that everything would turn out for them. She quickly squashed that.

As soon as they were parted, she scooped up her clothes.

"Stay. Please. Come upstairs with me. Let me hold you."

"No. This wasn't about love. This was me letting go of some pent up pressure. This was closure."

Closure. The word stung. "Please. You can't give me this and then tear it away."

"Be safe at Adamant. I'd be very… disappointed if something were to happen to you."

Disappointed? That was it? She was holding back, erecting barriers again. But he wasn't going to let her.

"I'm here. I'm right here damn it and I'm not ready to let you go."

"There is no future for us. There never was. Goodbye Cullen." And she left. Leaving him heartbroken all over again. He knew that she would break him. And he let her. Because the alternative was worse. He needed to shut off. He needed lyrium.

He opened the drawer where he kept it, staring at the box as if it could make everything better. Just a sip, that's all he needed. He threw the box at the door, narrowly missing the Inquisitor.

"Forgive me," he said, completely thrown off guard by her appearance.

They talked about the lyrium and she reassured him that he didn't need it. That he could break the control it had over him. If only he could break the control Amell had over him.

The Inquisitor stood tantalizingly close, close enough he could smell her. How easily he could vent his frustrations on her. She had already made her interest known. Maybe he didn't need lyrium. Maybe he needed another distraction.

He pushed the treacherous thoughts away. How could he even think to use her? Just moments before he had been with Amell. Had the Inquisitor came even five minutes earlier she would have heard them. He wondered if Amell even cared anymore to protect their secret. He also wondered what would happen to them if the secret got out. The longer he was with the inquisition, the more sure he became that nothing would happen. But he couldn't convince her of it.

The Inquisitor backed away. "Are you okay, Cullen?"

"I'll be fine."

"Fine isn't good enough. You deserve more."

How could she be so thoughtful? Why did she have to care so damn much? He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve either of them. He was broken. It wasn't Amell that broke him, it was his own weakness. His weakness for lyrium. What did he really have to offer anyone? Amell was right to leave. She could use his body all she wanted because he couldn't give her what she really needed. A home. A family. He was in no fit state to offer her anything but misery.


	12. Chapter 12

She waited. Days went by and still she waited. Her family was marching to what could be their doom and all she could do was wait. At least she wasn't alone. Dorian had also been left behind. To watch over and protect Skyhold in the Inquisitor's stead. He was about as happy about it as she was. Well misery loved company and so the two of them tried to help the other with distractions.

They talked about books. They played chess. They did everything but speak of the one thing on both of their minds. One day, it was more than she could take.

"Shouldn't we have heard something by now?"

"They won't fail. She won't fail."

_It__'s not just her I'm worried about,_ she thought.

"You are worried about the Commander," he said, out of the blue. She was startled.

"Why would you say that?"

Dorian chuckled. "You two are not nearly as discreet as you think. The man follows your every move with sad puppy dog eyes and you… well you look at him like you want to pounce on him right there."

If he had noticed, who else had? "It's not like that."

"Well it should be."

"What do you mean?"

"It'd be a pity for one of you to die before you hash out your feelings for one another."

"Dorian the matchmaker, huh."

He snickered. "Well I can't say I'm not a bit disappointed. Wish the Commander looked at me like that. Oh the fun I could have. But alas. He seems to only have eyes for you."

She blushed. "It's unprofessional."

"Do you love him?"

She couldn't answer that. She knew the answer but she couldn't say it out loud.

"I'll take that as a yes. Then who cares if it's unprofessional. What are you so scared of?"

"I'm a mage."

"And? So am I."

"It's forbidden."

"Says who? The Chantry? Since when does the inquisition bow to the Chantry? You should tell him how you feel. Or are you afraid he won't accept you because of the baby?"

At least Dorian hadn't figured that one out yet. "Unless of course it's his. Which if that's true the two of you are more messed up than I thought."

"We are pretty hopeless."

"Ha! I knew it. So that's why it was forbidden. Seems the dear Commander couldn't resist you even when he was a templar."

"Dorian, you can't tell anyone."

"I didn't plan to but now I want to know why not? Why keep all of this a secret?"

"Because I don't know what the Inquisitor would do."

"Probably congratulate you. You think too poorly of her. She's letting you keep the child, clearly she thinks well of you. And we all know how she feels for the Commander."

"Exactly."

"You think she'd let jealousy cloud her judgment?"

"It's a possibility, isn't it?"

He won their game. She had barely been paying attention. "I'm still of the opinion, and my opinion is right by the way, that the two of you need to get over this forbidden bullshit and just be. Torturing yourselves is pointless. Unless of course the entire attraction is because it's forbidden. I could see the appeal in that."

"Of course it's not. I'd give just about anything if it weren't so complicated."

"It's only complicated in your head. At least think about it. What's the worst that could happen?"

She could think of a lot of bad things that could happen. "He needs to focus on the inquisition. I'm too much of a distraction."

"Now you are just pulling excuses out of the air. What are you really afraid of?"

"That he'll reject me. That I'm not worth," she patted her stomach, "that we're not worth it."

"You have control issues. You need to be the one with the power so you reject him because it's too much to bear for him to reject you. When in reality he wouldn't."

"You can't know that."

"I know men. And I can tell when one is completely in love. And he is, with you."

"He might not come back."

"But he might. Then what are you going to do?"

She just didn't know.

# # # # #

Cullen fought harder than he had ever fought before. Demons surrounded him and his men. The Inquisitor was lost. It was hopeless and still he fought. He couldn't give up. It just wasn't in his nature. Alistair fought by his side, the two of them making short work of the demons. Alistair hadn't lost hope like he had. He still believed that Hawke and the Inquisitor would come back. He wished he had the man's conviction.

They were being overwhelmed. They wouldn't be able to stem the tide. They were going to die. They had failed. Corypheus would win and the world would be ashes. He thought of Amell. He thought of their child. He had failed them. So he kept fighting even though it was hopeless because what else could he do?

Out of nowhere, the rift in front of them spit out four people. The Inquisitor raised her hand up and shut the giant rift, killing all the demons surrounding it. They were safe. She had come back. Alistair had been right. He couldn't stop the giant grin that spread across his face. That is until he realized that five people can gone through the rift and only four stood in front of them.

Varric looked sick. Cassandra looked lost. The Inquisitor just looked tired. And the grey warden, well he looked shell shocked. Where was Hawke? Alistair must have realized the same thing because he stomped up to the Inquisitor, fire burning in his eyes.

"Where is she?"

"Hawke stayed behind to let us escape. She died a hero."

"No she isn't dead."

"She's physically in the fade. No one can survive that for long."

"You did."

"I'm sorry. I truly am. But it was her choice."

"No, she wouldn't leave me. She wouldn't sacrifice herself unless you made her."

Alistair was starting to get aggressive so Cullen held him back. The man wavered and fell to his knees.

"She wouldn't leave me." Tears were starting to gather at the edges of his eyes. "Open a rift. I've seen you do it. Open one and I'll go in and rescue her."

"I'm sorry I can't do that."

"At least let me die with her."

Cullen's heart broke for the man. He couldn't imagine how he'd feel if it were Amell. Well he could imagine and it made him sick. Varric approached Alistair who was still on his knees.

"She wouldn't want you to be like this. She wouldn't want you to die. She wanted me to tell you that she loves you and goodbye."

"How could you let this happen?" he nearly screamed.

"I couldn't stop her. I wanted to. Maker knows losing Hawke is the last thing I wanted. But she… she fought bravely."

"And you abandoned her. You all did." His voice came out soft, broken.

Cullen helped Alistair to his feet. "She would want you to continue."

Alistair turned to him. There was no anger in his eyes, only pain. "How the hell am I going to tell Amell? How are we going to make it without her?"

He patted the man's shoulder. "One day at a time."

"How do you do it? Live without her?"

"One day at a time."


	13. Chapter 13

Amell watched as the Inquisitor and her companions returned along with Cullen and the army. They all looked exhausted. When she saw Cullen, the urge to run up to him, to throw herself into his arms, nearly overwhelmed her. She remembered Dorian's words. What did she have to lose? Everything. She couldn't take the choice away from him. If he wanted to keep them a secret she couldn't very well destroy that. So she held back. But her heart still lifted upon seeing him.

He saw her and their eyes met. But he looked away quickly and her heart sank. He wanted nothing to do with her. So instead of letting that knowledge let her down she looked for a familiar faces of Hawke and Alistair. Alistair she found rather easily. His height was an advantage. Walking beside him was Varric but she couldn't find Hawke. Where was she?

She rushed to her friends, a smile on her face. She was so happy to see them that she didn't let the nagging feeling of dread overtake her. They didn't smile. Instead they looked away from her too. What the hell was going on?

She caught up to them. "Where's Hawke," she asked. She needed to know that her cousin was safe.

Alistair looked on the brink of breaking down and that's all she needed to know. No. This wasn't happening. Hawke was too strong to fall. She was the fucking Champion of Kirkwall. No demon army was strong enough to kill her. It was a mistake. A horrible mistake.

"What happened?" she asked Varric. Alistair looked in no condition to talk about it.

"She sacrificed herself."

"No. Why?"

"So we could live. You know her. Always thinking of others." His voice broke.

She fought the tears that came to her eyes even if she didn't know why. She couldn't lose Hawke. Hawke gave her the strength to get through all this shit.

"Why couldn't it have been someone else?"

"It almost was. But the Inquisitor made the call."

Fury started to build inside of her. "So this is her fault."

"No. Hawke volunteered. She knew what needed to be done."

Damn it. She had never felt so alone before. Even with Hawke and Alistair gone, they were just a bird away. She hadn't even gotten to give Hawke a proper goodbye.

She hugged Alistair suddenly. She was so selfish. Alistair must have been going through much worse than she was. He hugged her back tightly, almost too tightly.

"We'll get through this Alistair. I promise. I don't know how, but we will. It's what she would have wanted."

"I don't care what she wanted. She left me." There was bitterness in his voice.

"Don't say that, please. She loved you more than anything."

"Then why did she leave me? Why did she sacrifice herself instead of letting someone else do it?"

"When has Hawke ever let someone else do it? It is who she is."

"Was. It was who she was."

Amell made a new vow. She would help Alistair through this. No matter what she had to do, she would not let him give up. Hawke would never have forgiven her if she did. She stuffed her own pain down and kept her arms around Alistair. "Let's get you to bed. Some rest will do you good."

He followed her. A husk of the man he used to be. Nothing would be the same without Hawke.

# # # # #

He had watched her from afar. Watched her pull herself together after hearing the news and tend to Alistair. He admired her strength. He knew how difficult this was for her and yet she still cared more about her friend and what he was going through. He should have been there when she heard the news. Maybe Hawke had been right about him. Maybe he was a coward.

He distracted himself with work until the sun went down. Even then he continued to work. The more he worked the easier it was to forget the sight of Amell's pain. But once the work was complete, her face came back in her mind. He needed to see her, to make sure she was well. He made his way to her sleeping quarters, practicing what he was going to say in his head.

He knocked gently on her door and when no one answered, he opened it with a squeak. Laying on the bed was Alistair and Amell. She was holding him. They were both fast asleep. He felt foolish. She didn't need him, she had Alistair. He tried to combat the momentary jealousy that gripped him. There was nothing to be jealous of. They had both lost someone dear to them, it was natural for them to find comfort in each other. They had always been close. He sighed and went to leave. The rustling of someone getting out of bed caused him to stop. Amell walked towards him, her hair a tangled mess. He wanted to reach out and tame it.

"Cullen? What are you going here?"

He shut the door behind him, plunging them into darkness. He felt her build up her magic and a wisp of light floated above them. There were dark circles under her eyes and they were red and puffy. She had been crying.

"I wanted to see how you were."

"I'm fine."

"Amell, it's going to be okay. I know it doesn't seem that way now. How is Alistair?"

"Broken. I've never seen him so distraught. I don't know what to do to help him."

"Being there for him. Doing what you are already doing."

"I feel so useless."

He reached for her and pulled her in close. He could feel her heartbeat through his shirt. He wasn't wearing his armor. She wrapped her arms around his waist and sniffled. "You can cry. I'm here."

"No, Cullen. I can't. I can't lean on you. You shouldn't be here."

"Don't push me away."

"I don't need you. I have Alistair."

Her words stung. She didn't mean it, couldn't mean it, but the fact remained that she didn't want him now. She made her choice.

"Fine. I'll leave. Just answer me one thing. Do you still love me?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Because it matters."

"I can't do this with you. I'm moving on. So whether or not I love you doesn't matter. What matters is that you leave me be. We are going to be working very closely together and I can't do that if there's this tension between us. So I'm begging you to let me go."

"What do you mean by moving on?"

"No more kissing. No more sex. No more anything but being professional. I don't even want to be your friend."

She was being cruel. She was taking away his hope.

"What if there was a way for us to be together? Wouldn't you want to try?"

"No. It's too painful. Being with you is too painful."

His hands turned into fists. He felt his nails dig into his palms. "Whatever you wish. I expect you in my office after breakfast so we can discuss the mages. Good night."

He left. The walk towards his tower was blurry. On his way, he ran into the Inquisitor. She looked immediately concerned. "Cullen, what's wrong?"

He needed to talk to someone. He needed to be able to lean on someone. "Everything is a mess."

"Come on," she said and led him to her quarters. He hesitated at her door. "Don't worry. I promise not to take advantage of you."

They entered her room and she immediately set a fire. He sat down on her plush sitting couch, feeling the fire warm his limbs.

"Talk to me," she said as she sat next to him.

"It's everything. Adamant. Lyrium. Her."

"What happened?"

"You were there for Adamant. It was a mess. We lost so many. If I had just done things differently."

"How so?"

"I don't know."

"You can't burden yourself. Trust me. I feel that burden. I'm still lost when it comes to Hawke's death. Seeing her family and friends mourn is almost too much for me. I made the call. I'm the reason they are mourning."

"No. Hawke made the choice. You just let her. Someone had to do it."

"Explain that to her husband. To Amell. They blame me. I can see it in their eyes."

"They are wrong."

She smiled at him. "Thank you for trying to cheer me up but this isn't about me. It's about you. What can I do?"

"I don't know. I don't think there's anything anyone can do."

"Let me try. Tell me everything."

And he did. He told her all about the tower in Ferelden and the battles at Kirkwall. How haunted he was. He didn't censor himself. The only thing he left out was Amell.

Evelyn brushed his cheek. "Maker I had no idea."

"It's funny. I do feel better now. Though I can't imagine what you think of me."

"I think you are brave and strong. I am amazed actually at how well functioning you are."

"You still think me well enough to handle the inquisition's forces?"

"Of course. There is no one better suited."

They sat next to each other in companionable silence. He felt his burdens lifting. "Thank you," he said.

"Of course. That's what friends are for. Is there anything else I can do?"

"No. You've done quite a lot already."

They hugged briefly and she walked him to her door. "Goodnight, Cullen."

He left and walked back to his tower, ignoring the whispers of gossip.


	14. Chapter 14

Skyhold was abuzz with gossip, particularly the late night the Commander had spent with the Inquisitor in her quarters. It was by chance Amell heard two nobles talking about it. She was bringing breakfast to Alistair, who had not been able to actually make it out of bed, when she overheard the gossip. She nearly lost the breakfast tray. She couldn't let it bother her. But it did.

She had all but pushed him directly into the arms of the Inquisitor and the mere thought of it made her want to drop everything and flee. But there was no where for her to go. The people she loved, the people she could turn to, they weren't available. Hawke was dead. And Varric and Alistair were too deep in their grief for her to bring her selfish problems to them.

It could be innocent. Last night Alistair had shared her bed and there was nothing untoward about it. Just two souls needing the comfort. She shouldn't jump to conclusions. But she couldn't convince herself otherwise. She had been firm with Cullen the night before. There was no future for them. So it would make sense for him to find comfort in another woman's arms.

She was simply not prepared for the feelings associated with him moving on. She had been stupid. A part of her had clung to the knowledge that he would always love her, that she would also matter to him, that she'd be his. But reality was different. Now she was being replaced.

She made her way back to her sleeping quarters with the food. She opened the door to find Alistair sitting up, his back to her. "Good morning. I brought breakfast."

He turned to her, his eyes red. He offered her a faint smile that didn't linger. "Thank you but I'm not hungry."

"Of course you're not but you are going to eat anyways." She tried to plaster a fake smile on her face, something for him to cling to.

"What's wrong, Amell." He could read her all too well.

"It's nothing."

"Don't lie to me."

She sighed. "It's Cullen. It's always Cullen. Seems he has finally moved on. It's over between us, for good this time."

Alistair nodded and gestured for her to sit next to him. She placed the tray of food on the end table and did so. "It'll be okay. We'll get through this together. At least we have each other."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she melted into his embrace. He placed his head on her own and she could feel him start to cry. This wasn't right. She should be comforting him. A sharp pain went through her body, starting at her stomach. She cried out.

"What's wrong?"

"The baby. Something is wrong with the baby."

He crashed to his feet, helping her lie down. "I'll get the healer."

Hours passed and the pain just kept getting worse. It was too early. Not time yet for the baby to be born. But damn it the baby was stubborn and ready to come out now. She grasped Alistair's hand, crying out as the healer guided her through the process. She wanted Cullen. She wanted him by her side so badly that the tears that formed in her eyes were for him and not from the pain. She had been foolish. Sending him away was the biggest mistake of her life and now her child would grow up without a father because she was too scared.

The sharp cry as the infant came into the world woke her from her despair. Her baby was alive. "It's a girl."

The healer cleaned her up and then placed the babe in her mother's arms. Alistair looked in awe.

"She's beautiful," he whispered. He placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

The healer left them alone. Alistair cleared his throat, directing her attention from the perfect bundle in her arms to him.

"There's something I've been thinking about."

"What is it?"

"I don't know how to really say this. I can't offer you much. My heart will always belong to Hawke. So I can't offer you passion or romance. But I can offer you love. I love you and I already love this little bundle. You are all I have left. And I know I'm not what you want. I know you will always love him. But he isn't here. He's never here. And you deserve someone who will be here."

"What are you saying exactly?"

"I'm offering myself as husband and father. I will help you raise the little one and together we can make something of the brokenness."

"Alistair, I don't know what to say." His words were sweet and yet he was in grief. How much was he really aware of what he was saying?

"You are my best friend, my family. I would do anything to make you happy."

"I don't want you to burden yourself with us. You have a chance—"

"A chance for what? To find someone else? There is no one else like Hawke. I had her for too short of a time, but she was mine. And I will cling to that. This isn't about Hawke. It's about doing the right thing."

"Alistair, it's not your responsibility."

"I meant every word I said. I want you to think about it at least. We might not be what the other person needs, but at least we won't be alone."

Marry Alistair? At least the little one would have a father, a great father. And Alistair wanted this. She could tell by the fervor in his eyes that he was committed. All she would lose by saying yes was any chance of her and Cullen being together. But there was no chance of that happening. She had ruined it. She had pushed him away and now he was lost to her.

Saying yes to Alistair would be a selfish thing to do. Tying him to her and the baby forever. And yet she couldn't tell him no.

"Yes."

# # # # #

Cullen paced his office. A messenger had been sent from Alistair stating that Amell would not be meeting with him. He had pestered the messenger on the why when he had let out that Amell was in labor. But it was too early for the baby to be born. He knew what this meant. It meant that Amell and the baby were in danger and there was nothing he could do. He should have been there. He should be holding her hand. Instead, like a coward, he paced.

Hours went by and none of his work got done. At one point someone, he didn't even know who, came into his office, took one look at him and fled. He needed to know what was going on. He no longer cared that she didn't want him near her. She could just deal with it.

He gathered up his cloak and went to open the door when someone beat him to it. He was surprised to see Leliana standing in his doorway.

"Going to let me in, Commander?"

He nodded and stepped out of the way. If Leliana was here, it must be urgent. As usual, Amell would have to wait until his duty to the inquisition was over. This is why they couldn't be together. He wasn't able to make her the priority.

"You look distressed. Is everything alright?" she asked.

"I'm fine."

"You're worried for Amell and her child."

"I don't want the woman to die."

Leliana laughed. "She's fine. They are both fine."

Cullen breathed a long sigh of relief. He was too late to comfort her but at least she was well. And the baby. He was a father now. Not that it meant anything. Amell didn't want him in either of their lives.

"She's yours, isn't she?" Leliana asked, her eyes studying him.

"I don't know what you mean." His heart hammered in his chest.

"The baby is yours. No use in denying it. The truth is painted all over your face."

Everything stilled. Leliana knew. And if she knew… "Yes." It felt good making the claim. "She's mine." She. It was a girl. Probably would look like her mother. He felt a tightening in his chest. He needed to see them.

"Why keep it a secret?" she asked, stopping him from leaving.

"Because it was forbidden. Because I didn't know what the inquisition would do."

"But that's not the real reason. You should know by now that the inquisition is not the Chantry. We don't care that she's a mage and you a former templar. So what is the real reason you forsake her?"

He paused. He had to dig deep down but the truth stared him right in the face. "I can't do it. I can't be what she deserves."

"Because of the lyrium?"

"Because of my duty to the inquisition. I don't think I can balance both."

Leliana put her hand on his shoulder. "You don't give yourself enough credit."

"I can't give all of myself to the inquisition and all of myself to her. And both need me. The inquisition just needs me more."

"Then you are going to lose her."

"I already have."

"Alistair proposed. She said yes."

It felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. "What?"

"Alistair is offering her a chance for a family, for a father for her child. If you don't make a choice, soon, you will lose her forever."

Alistair was stepping up where he was too afraid to. Alistair would have the life that he always wanted. And Alistair didn't even want it. He was simply doing what he felt was right.

"I believe they are making a mistake. They are both so consumed with grief that this seems like a good idea," Leliana said.

"He was always there for her. Maybe this is for the best."

Leliana sighed. "Do you love her?"

"Yes."

"Truly? It's not just desire? It's not just familiarity? You truly love her?"

"Yes."

"Then stop being an idiot and do something about it."

"She doesn't want me to. She made that clear."

"Her words maybe, but not her actions. And what of the child? Do you really want to sit back and watch another man raise her?"

"No."

"Then why are you still standing there? Go tell her. Tell her how you feel and why you are afraid and everything else that you can think of. For the love of the Maker, tell her."

"And if she still pushes me away?"

"At least then you know you did everything you could have. Otherwise you'll regret this for the rest of your life."

Cullen nodded. She was right. He had to try again. He had to make her understand. So he ran from the tower, ran to her quarters, nothing else on his mind but the woman he almost lost.

He ran into Alistair on the way. Not someone he wanted to see.

"Cullen," Alistair said, warily. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see them. You can't keep me from them," he instinctively put his hand on the pommel of his sword. He meant every word.

"I wouldn't want to."

"I know you proposed to her. I know she said yes. I fully intend on changing her mind."

"Good."

"Good?"

"I have every intention on ensuring that Amell and her child are taken care of. I love her. I love that little girl too. And if me stepping up finally woke you from your stupor then you can both thank me."

"You did this for us?"

"For her. She loves you and she wants to be with you. At least one of us should have our happy ending."

"And if I didn't fall for it?"

"It wasn't about that. I will marry her if you don't. I will make sure you aren't interrupted. Oh and Cullen? Congratulations. She's beautiful."


	15. Chapter 15

The One Who Commands

Amell waited for Alistair to return, her mind on the future. When she heard the door click open, she sat up. "Alistair?" she called into the darkness.

"It's me," said a familiar voice.

"Did you come to see her?"

"To see both of you, yes." She watched him walk over to where the baby slept. His face softened when he saw her.

"They are right. She's beautiful."

"She has your hair and your eyes. And I think your nose."

"Everyone who looks at her will know she's mine." There was something in his voice. "Can we talk? Are you well enough for a serious talk?"

She sighed. "Yes. I suppose so."

"I know about you and Alistair," he started.

"And I know about you and the Inquisitor."

"Me and the… what are you talking about?"

She felt foolish. "It's okay."

"No it's not. Clearly you have the wrong idea."

"There are rumors…"

"So what? Since when are rumors always true? There is nothing between the Inquisitor and me other than friendship. I'm not the one about to marry another person."

She didn't know what to say. So she stayed silent, waiting for him to say what he came to say. He walked over to the bed and sat down beside her. She could see the pain in his golden eyes. This was hard on him.

"I want to be in her life. I don't want you to shut me out."

"But how?"

"Leliana already knows she's mine. It won't be long before all of Skyhold knows. Even if you don't want me, I need to be a part of her life. It's not fair for you to deny me that."

Amell nodded.

"What did you name her?"

"Marian."

"Marian Amell."

"No, Marian Rutherford."

His eyes lit up and he smiled. Before she could say anything else, his lips were on hers and she gave in to his kiss. It lasted far longer than it should have and when he finally pulled away, her heart broke.

"What does this mean for us?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"I do. I love you. I've always loved you. And I will always love you. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I don't just want to be in her life, I want to be in yours. I am yours, completely, if you'll just have me."

"What about the inquisition?"

"What about it? I will stay and I will fight and I will give everything I can to ensure we win this battle. But that doesn't mean I can't still be with you. We have been fools, Amell. We push each other away because of fear but I'm tired of that. I know you are afraid. I am too. But we can get through this together."

"You really mean that?"

"Would I say it if I didn't? Don't marry Alistair. Marry me."

Her heart stopped. Had he really meant to say that? "I…" His soft eyes implored her. He wasn't taking it back which meant he meant it. After all they had been through, was it really this easy? "I'm scared."

"Good. I am too. But we can get through this together."

"What if people disagree? What if the Inquisitor forbids it?"

"She won't. And even if she does, she's not going to take you from me. I won't let her."

She reached for him in the dark and grasped his hand. "You are what I want, what I've always wanted. Maybe you're right and we've been fools. If you'll have me, I'm yours."

He leaned in and kissed her and it felt right. "Let me stay here tonight. I want to hold you."

She nodded. "Of course. You should be here when she wakes. Be able to hold her."

"I can't think of anything I want more."

She settled into his arms, finally feeling hope for the future.

# # # # #

Cullen woke before her and spent a moment just watching her sleep. He tucked a strand of hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear. His heart was finally at peace. But he couldn't wait for her to wake, he had too much that needed to be done. And he didn't have the heart to wake her. So he crept out of the room after another peek at their sleeping daughter. During the night, Marian had woken and he had been able to hold her. Nothing compared. She had looked up at him with big golden eyes and he felt the connection in his soul. She was his and he was hers. They were a family now.

He hoped that she didn't get the wrong idea waking up alone. But even if she did, he would make it up to her somehow. He first went to his tower to gather the reports he would need. He spent over an hour just trying to make sense of each. He had skipped breakfast and his stomach rumbled. He ignored it. A messenger entered his office.

"War council, Ser."

He nodded and went to leave. On his way across the courtyard he saw Amell and Alistair. Alistair was holding Marian. He felt a momentary stab of jealousy but he quickly tempered it. Alistair was going to be in their lives. He was a part of their family. He had to get used to it.

She smiled when she saw him and he walked over to her, not caring that he was going to be late.

"I can't stay. War council." He reached out and touched Marian's cheek. And then he took Amell in his arms and kissed her, not caring that all of Skyhold was a witness. He wanted them to know. He did what he should have done in the beginning. All that wasted time, all that heart ache. If only he had been braver. But it didn't matter now. All that mattered was her lips, her smell, the way she felt pressed against him.

Her eyes were glassy and she looked faint when he finally pulled away. He smirked as he turned to leave. There was an extra bounce in his step as he strode to the war council.

The women were waiting for him already and he gave them each a big grin. "Good morning, Commander," the Inquisitor greeted him.

"How is your baby?" Leliana asked.

That threw him for a loop. He heard the Inquisitor gasp and Josephine chuckle. "I didn't think you would tell."

"Well you already made a spectacle in the courtyard. I assumed it wasn't a secret anymore."

"How did you know about that? It just happened."

"I know everything, Commander. It's my job."

"Amell's baby is yours?" the Inquisitor asked, her face unreadable. He hoped this wasn't going to awkward.

"Yes."

"And you kept it a secret? Why?"

"Because we didn't know what would happen if it wasn't. For a while there we didn't even know if you'd allow her to keep the baby."

"Maker Cullen, I nearly tore your child from you and you didn't even say anything? You really thought I would hurt you like that?"

"I'm sorry for keeping this from you but I had to protect them. This was the only way I knew I could."

"Then what changed?"

"A very smart woman knocked some sense into me." He looked over at Leliana who was smirking. "I hope this doesn't change our friendship."

"Of course it doesn't. I just feel awful. I don't want to be someone that stands in the way of your happiness."

"You aren't. It was us. We were both too stubborn."

"But not anymore?"

"I hope not. I don't know what will happen, but I'm not hiding anymore."

"I just don't understand. Amell was pushing me to pursue you. Why would she do that?"

Cullen sighed. "Because she thought I should move on. She likes you. Thought you would be a good match. At least that's what I assume. I'm going to have ask her about that."

"Perhaps we should stop discussing the Commander's love life and get on with the business of the inquisition."

"Very well. Don't think this conversation is over. I want details."

Cullen blushed.

After the meeting was over, he went to find Amell. Nothing would puncture his good mood. He found her in the garden with Varric and Alistair. Marian slept in her arms.

Varric saw him first. "About damn time, Curly."

He grinned. He expected a little backtalk from her friends. He bent down and kissed her lightly on the cheek and then smoothed the hair on Marian's head. "You never answered me last night, Amell."

"Answer what?"

"Will you marry me?"

"Is that even a possibility?"

"I will make it possible. All you have to do is say yes."

She smiled at him. "Of course I will."

"Yeah about damn time," Alistair muttered. "Only took you, what, twelve years?"

In hindsight, he had wasted a lot of time. He vowed to make it up to her for the rest of their lives.

The End

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**


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